Updated: Oct 15, 2020
It’s a Tuesday afternoon and it’s been one hell of a week. Never mind lockdown being a crazy year, life has been turned on its head! So when our dear president announced lockdown it was almost a shock to the system and my response was more “I have no idea what the fuck to expect.”
And I was never prepared for this. My business took a huge knock because a private yoga class or rooftop yoga session is a luxury! So I had 5 private clients and this was taken back by 4 so that means my salary took a huge hit, again something I was never prepared for. It’s also crazy how life works though, my father has been telling me for the last 5 years, ‘Paige SAVE MONEY,’ and I have always been the kid who doesn’t listen, I still don’t & now I understand why he said it! Fuck I should have saved money! Living month to month was lekker, I was balling and now I am balling my eyes out! But as humans we make sure to adapt, that no matter how much self-pity we feel we always seem to make a plan, I think that’s the most attractive thing about South Africans – WE ARE HUSTLERS.
So lockdown for me meant giving up my apartment because I couldn’t afford to stay there anymore, it also meant it gave me kick up the ass to move forward with my relationship and let me tell you The PAST Paige doesn’t get to close to a partner because I’m a strong, independent woman. A move is never easy, it’s the physical of moving but for me an emotional goodbye because I worked hard to stay there, it was mine, a space that was so much more than just a home for me. Moving is also a change and change is difficult. I kept thinking to myself – fuck is Ryan going to run because of how stubborn I can be? Am I worth the time & effort, and this thought process sent me into a spiral. I started questioning who I am, my values & the love I find in myself. It took me about 2 months to settle into this new home, routine and myself & now sitting here I feel like we’ve been doing life together for eternity, so as scary as the move was it was a push in the right direction.
When it came to my business it was more so a huge knock to my ego as I felt I was in a great space with my work, consistent clients & where I didn’t need to physically teach anymore and then all of a sudden everything moved online, which again a fire under my seat as I wanted to move online but I felt as if I had to start all over again. As if I started my business again from day 1 and that was so challenging. I had to build up my social media presence and I had already put 5 years into building my business (I know still a young business but 5 years & working 7 days a week is hard work) and now a kick in the teeth, almost life saying – start again. That was the initial feeling but as we went deeper into lockdown I started to realize that life was teaching me how to guide my yoga classes using only my voice, a lesson on how to stop moving and grow my practice in a completely different way. It also took 7 months into lockdown to understand the lessons behind this.
Please don’t think for one second finances are at their best I am still struggling but lockdown has allowed me to put effort into my social media presence, where I didn’t have the time or energy before, so even though lockdown has been HELL for everyone there has been some amazing positives. I think when life gets really tough we allow our minds to sink into a dark place but have a look at what alone time has taught or forced you to do. Growing and healing isn’t an easy job but lockdown allowed us to sit with ourselves, our pleasant and not so pleasant thoughts and just when you think you have “sorted” out some of your demons you wake u the next day and 3 of them are screaming in your brain. Lockdown reminded me of my 10 days of silence experience that some days I felt like I needed to book myself into a mental home, other days I felt like I needed a sleep clinic and other days I felt ready, ready to make the day my bitch, so a crazy cycle BUT a cycle that was always there, it was just more prominent because lockdown had us feeling physically, mentally & emotionally locked down.
So what I am saying is these demons I fought were always there, they were just louder because I didn’t have distractions like listening to my clients & driving. Its nice to have distractions because then we don’t have to think or look at ourselves. Lockdown as shit as it was/is it has given me the opportunity to look at myself deeply and re-evaluate my life.
Re-evaluate my business and how I was doing things, re-evaluate my beliefs about a relationship and what I want in life, re-evaluate the way I spend and don’t save money. Lockdown you have been torture but there is that saying NOTHING COMES EASY and you are so right! What doesn’t challenge you, doesn’t change you! So lockdown thanks for fucking me left, right and center but also thank-you for forcing me to look inwards. Thank-you for making me realize that when Papa Coetsee said – Paige SAVE money he was speaking truth. Thank-you for the drastic change that made me ch